Moodle | Omnia

Four Tattoos A Guy Can Get To Impress Girls

“You should have a whole chest full of tattoos for me to gaze upon and admire.”
– girl’s answer to the ‘who I’m looking for’ section of her Loveawake dating profile

Have you ever looked at yourself butt-naked in the mirror and said, “Hey – maybe the reason I’m single is because I don’t have any permanent tattoos!” Sure, you can get a tattoo at any ‘ol corner shack, but how about one that specializes in “tatts” that impress women? This is the niche I’ve targeted, and the service I offer at the Epidermis Art Emporium, my new tattoo shoppe (the second p is for quality) – opened yesterday in my mother’s basement. Have a gander of a few offerings from my menu:

The Tribal Nightmare: Guys these days are spending so much money on lifting weights so they can look like that the kid who was in “Cheaper By The Dozen 2”, and I say why get stronger when you can hide your muscles with a couple of twisted lines? I can put three crisscrossing lines or even four. I’ll start at your shoulder and end when you finish telling me about the your high school football stint. This tattoo is perfect for that special someone who has been eyeing you safely on her treadmill telling her friends “He is so cute! LOL does he use steroids or whatever?”

The Spring Break Memory: What’s that? You went somewhere spring break? WELL MY GOD MAN WHY NOT TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT!…symbolically. You come into my office (dad’s workshop in the basement) and tell me where you went. Cabo, Mexico, or…uh, Cabo? I’ll scribble that sucker right where it counts: nip to nip. Ladies won’t know which article of clothing to take off first as they admire the artwork that will stay on your chest forever. Full disclosure: if you are lucky enough to see me naked you will find no such tattoo on my chest because I spent spring break under my parents porch finding a dead fox, but if I went somewhere I would totally get it engraved till the end of time on my thigh.

The Witty Gentleman: Oh take that pipe out of your mouth you cocky rascal! “Too witty for tattoos” you say? Your body is the perfect place to start your edgy comedy act, and that’s what I am offering. I’m no expert on tattoos, but what this one entails is me tattooing book pages on your inner thighs so that your fancy girlfriend can now read her new Jodi Picoult book titled “My Boyfriend’s Keeper”, and what a keeper it will be.

The Promoter: Hello? Nike? Just wanted to give you heads up that my good friend (insert your name) wants to open a sweat shop of his own in his room….a sweat shop of love. He is (or rather I am)  putting your logo on his shoulder. Come tell me what is your favorite shoe or food, and I will put it on your body. Examples include Dole, Ford, WNBA, and The American Red Cross. Even though the company will never know you exist and pay you nothing, you can still tell your friends “this is my favorite brand!” Warning you will have this brand forever so I recommend staying away from ones such as Borders and the Wonderball.